Boundaries and Barriers – How do They Shape Up Relationships?

Does it seem like true love has no boundaries? Think again! Boundaries are very important for a strong and healthy relationship between two individuals.

Boundaries vs. Barriers

​If you’re feeling confused, you probably aren’t making the important distinction between boundaries and barriers. While the later is something that needs to be overcome, the first one helps people maintain beautiful and satisfactory dynamics.

Working on eliminating barriers and setting the right types of boundaries will demand involvement on behalf of both partners. Open communication and taking the other person’s feelings in consideration will both be essential for more meaningful interactions and romantic happiness.

Why Are There Barriers in Relationships

Barriers: Why do They Appear in a Relationship? Barriers are often born because of fear and insecurity. The relationship mistakes you made in the past and the pain you experienced will make you erect a wall that will stand in the way of honest communication and the feeling of complete belonging.

Here’s a simple example – you opened up too fast in the past and you got hurt when the relationship ended. The information was used against you. Chances are that in a new relationship, you’ll be much more emotionally reserved. You’ll put up a communication barrier and you’ll need a lot of time to start sharing personal information.

Factors That Contribute To Barriers In Couples

Several main factors contribute to barriers in an intimate relationship. Here are the most common ones:

• Past relationship trauma: this is one of the biggest and the most common reasons why people erect emotional barriers in their new relationships.
• Fear of disapproval: many people feel uncomfortable about being themselves in a new relationship. Their actions are shaped up by individual perceptions of what’s right and what’s expected. 
• The lack of trust: childhood experiences, past relationships and self-confidence determine just how trusting a person is going to be in a new relationship. The lack of trust leads to responses like the failure to open up, criticism and even insincerity. All of these are serious barriers.
• Unrealistic expectations: if a person has certain expectations from a significant other, that person is setting up serious barriers. These barriers disable the two partners from being themselves and getting to know each other.

Signs You Have Barriers In Your Relationship

Signs that Your Relationship is Burdened by Barriers Is your relationship burdened by barriers? The problem is that you’re too emotionally invested to tell whether something is really, really wrong. 

Still, you can identify a few giveaway signs of damaging barriers. Are you experiencing any of the following:

• Fear to be yourself in the relationship: chances are that you’re holding back because of your relationship history or because your partner has unrealistic expectations from you.
• You fight and argue very often: don’t get it wrong, arguments are very important for a healthy relationship. If you can’t see eye to eye, however, and you fight over little things, you’re experiencing a serious problem.
• You test your partner: or vice versa. Love, fidelity and commitment don’t have to be inspected. Are you expecting something from your partner or are you feeling constantly tested? This means that the relationship dynamics are unhealthy.
• You try to change each other: and you often have conversations or arguments about how things should be. You aren’t happy with the way things are right now and you’re eager to modify the behavior/character of the person that you love.

Overcoming Barriers in Couples

Overcoming Barriers: What does It Take? Acknowledging the fact that certain barriers are standing in the way of romantic bliss is the first step towards getting things better. 

For a start, understand that the two of you are independent entities. You can agree to disagree and still be happy in your relationship. There’s no need to change your partner and there’s no need to change yourself, as long as you’re willing to accept each other.

Learn to listen and to communicate effectively. Yelling at each other isn’t effective communication. Holding on stubbornly to what you want isn’t effective, either. Try to understand what your partner wants, discuss issues and look for a mutually beneficial compromise. You will not be capable of finding such a solution each time but the desire to make things better (together) will be an incredibly bonding experience.

Consider participating in activities with each other. Non-sexual bonding is one of the most important “adhesives” holding the relationship together. Practice a sport in the company of your significant other. Start a gardening project together. Hug, kiss and enjoy each other’s presence. You’ll soon feel how both of you start opening up and feeling much more comfortable in the company of the other person.

Boundaries Are Helpful for Couples

The Difference between Barriers and Boundaries Don’t confuse the two terms. While barriers are incredibly damaging, boundaries are essential for a healthy and satisfactory relationship.

A boundary can be seen as “personal space.” Many people commit the mistake of starting to think about “we” and forgetting the “I” in the relationship. Partners in a healthy relationship think about the other person each time they want to do something. They’re interested in the partner’s feeling and opinions. They don’t assume that the partner thinks or feels something. This is how healthy boundaries get established, giving both individuals comfort and a little bit of individuality that’s so essential.

Healthy boundaries are set up when people speak about their disappointment, the actions that have hurt their feelings and their desires. Self-knowledge and consideration for the other person are both important for setting such boundaries.

Relationship dynamics are truly complicated. Conscious effort on behalf of both people is needed to make things work. Barriers can occur in the very beginning but it’s important that these are dealt with in a quick and efficient manner. Open communication is one of the biggest essentials for making things better and enjoying relationship happiness.

Wilma Derksen, C.E.C., O.M.
Relationship Therapist